So you want to find a Domme?

Please note. This is a delurk and relates only to my observations and experience. I apologise in advance for any offence given.
So, you want to find a Domme? Well, I have been successful several times in this respect, so there is no reason why you should not be. Although I do not belong to one at the moment, I have had many excellent experiences that I will treasure forever. I have not found the perfect one for me yet, but it is only a matter of time. Where are they? I hear you ask. Just look around, you can see them almost everywhere. They are the ordinary people you see every day. Do you think that the women that post to these type of newsgroups wear their thigh length boots and carry a whip 24 hours a day? Of course not. (Well, some might:-) They are, to most of the ones who know them, 'ordinary' people. My relationships have been with 'ordinary' people. So, how do you broach the subject? In my view, you have to be fairly open from the start. I do not mean that you should go up to a girl in a bar and ask her to string you upside down from the ceiling and whip you to within an inch of your life, or leap out of the closet in a rubber catsuit and hood, hand her a selection of shackles and lay on the bed saying "Take me, take me". (But if you know a club like that, let me know :-) You have to introduce these things gradually. Be subtle. Remember, they may not have done these sort of things before, though they may have fantased about them for years. The results could surprise you. (They have me - often! :-) You may even end up scared of just how fast things are progressing. Most people (66% according to surveys) have a Domme or sub side to them and have either tried or fantasised about bondage. I have met women at all levels from the ones who just want to tie you up to the ones who are only interested in how long they can make the whip marks last! Believe me, they are all out there, you only have to ask. (Gently:-)
And it does not matter much how you look, as long as you are clean, interesting and articulate. Looks do not count much, it is what is inside that matters. (You cannot see what a person looks like in a hood and bondage suit:-) After all, I am no oil painting. Imagine something between Timothy Dalton (the last James Bond) and Chris from Northern Exposure. Now add pierced nipples and very long hair and you are not too far off. (Must be the long hair that attracts them). Of course, if you have the face and body of a modern day Adonis, it cannot hurt :-)
Just remember, a Domme, whether fully fledged with their own extensive dungeon and wardrobe, or novice with a few lengths of rope, is a PERSON, not just an Icon. You may build up in your mind a picture of the perfect Domme for you (Catwoman for me please! :-), but you must be wary of falling into the trap of thinking that if you finally meet a Domme, they will instantly transport you into your fantasy world, where all the scenarios you have imagined will suddenly become true. Remember, you are dealing with a person, who will have at least as many fantasies as you and the chances of them being an exact match are pretty slight. You have to work together, discuss the sort of things that turn you both on.
Let me site an example. The last Mistress who owned me loved to see someone obviously male dressed in women's clothes. (OK, rubber one's; stockings, mini-skirt etc.) She liked to use a large (and I mean LARGE, 10" long by 2.5" thick) strap-on, but first, she would force me to perform deep-throat with it (and it is not as hard as you think). Unfortunately, when she first suggested (OK, ordered, with whip in hand) this, I thought that it was not something that appealed to me. Was this a huge problem? Was the dream about to be shattered? NO. Just because a thing does not appeal to you does not mean that you should not try it. Although the clothes still did nothing for me, the sight of her, almost dripping wet with desire, LITERALLY crossing her legs in ecstasy at the sight was enough to give me a massive turn-on. It was not the clothing, but her reaction that gave me the pleasure. You MUST be willing to give in a relationship, not just try to take what the Domme has to offer. What I am trying to say is that a relationship that is S&M is actually much more about give and take than a vanilla one, and needs a LOT of work to succeed. She will have many ideas that she would like to try, just as you will, you must compromise. Similarly, there will be things that one of you would never want to do, that the other does. Ideas and limits will gradually stretch and broaden naturally, it is not something that you have to consiously work at. Just let things take their course and do not rush.
Unfortunately, sooner rather than later, you will come across a situation where a scene that is the most erotic of your life will suddenly collapse into worse than nothing. Those ropes will suddenly hurt, you will ache, be uncomfortable, want to be released. The cause may be anything from a misplaced whip stroke (across the testicles is the best scene killer for me) to a wrong sentence or word, even a laugh at the wrong place. These things happen. I would advise you not to continue at this point. Remember, no matter how you feel, the Domme will feel a million times worse. There can be a sudden and complete loss of confidence and they may never want to try that sort of scene again. This is the time to take them in your arms, hug them and give them a kiss and plenty of reassurance, not go howling around the bedroom (cellar, dungeon, whatever :-) complaining about things no matter how you feel. We all make mistakes (although we are not allowed to tell this to a Domme :-). We all have feelings, every one of us, no one is 100% confidant. You must realise that these things are just a fact of life and happen to us all (mondo flame coming in from the skilled ones out there :-) and you must accept this. Try to forget it and try again another time, and try not to be nervous, because remember, they will probably be quaking in their (thigh-length) boots.
If, in your search for a Domme, you decide to advertise, do not use phrases like "I will do anything" because they know that is not true. There are some things that you would NEVER do. For instance, I like being scratched, having my nipple rings pulled and tweaked, C&B torture, hot wax, sensory deprivation, strap-on's etc (I will not bore you with a full list, if you are interested, you will have to e-mail me :-), but ONLY within the context of a scene, some (the more painful ones) only after the "endorphin high" has kicked in. If someone were to pour hot wax on my nipples when I was sunbathing for instance, it would be extremely painful., not pleasurable as in a scene. (I leave to your own imagination where else I like the wax :-) So be realistic, if (for instance) you do not like a large amount of spanking, SAY SO. It will be appreciated in the end. Do you think that if you tell lies and are lucky enough to become the property of Domme, that things will work out OK? If you are truthful from the start, they can bypass your advert and look for something THEY want, saving both of you a lot of grief and heartache. Dommes are looking for specific people too, they do not want to waste their time (even I, at 31 start to think it is running out) with someone who they will take a lot of time to get to know, then have to break up from. It is very unlikely that you will meet at 8pm and be tied to the bed by 8.30. You have to get to know and trust each other. If you are not adverse to trying things, then say so, they may well decide to participate in your education. If not, respect their decision. Remember the line from the song "and they said, any love was good lovin', so I took what I could get"? Well, this is totally wrong, you are wasting your own time and theirs, which is more precious. (IMO). If you are truthful in your advert, you are far more likely to find a closer match.
Above all else, I wish you good luck, for even if you do not find that absolute perfect match, the time you both spend finding out will be with you always, will help to broaden your horizons (remember the deep-throat? :-) and may help you closer define what is the perfect partner. I hear you ask why have I got no partner at the moment? Well, I will be moving to the States soon and the scene is much wider over there and though the times I have had have been exquisite, though I am still looking, I know She is out there