How to survive on femdom

How to have an enjoyable and productive time on #femdom

SilverOz's personal philosophy and how-to-guide. Not-for-profit
reproduction encouraged as long as nothing is changed including this notice

People who seek out #femdom on IRC seem to do it for several reasons.

They want to explore the idea of BDSM in general and female domination
in particular.
They want to hang out with like minded friends
They are searching for a partner in real life
They are searching for an encounter on the net.
They want to troll and get a reaction from others.

All these are quite valid reasons, except the last :)

The problem is that they are not always compatible reasons. The folks who
want to find an encounter or a partner tend to annoy the folks who just
want to chat by being demanding and then disappointed. The people who want
to chat confuse and obstruct the people who seek partners by being a waste
of their time.

So, how do we all get what we want?

The answer is pretty simple - relax, be courteous, don't assume everyone
else wants what you do, and understand you are going to meet people who
will annoy you.

The net.demographics mean that sub males vastly outnumber sub and dom
females. (This also tends to lead to a certain amount of heterosexism,
where people assume that on a channel like #femdom all subs are male, and
all females are dom. I suffer from it myself. I don't know a good answer
except to try and catch myself at it...)

This being so, then the number of subs seeking partners or encounters is
going to outnumber the number of dominant females seeking the same. Subs
who come on channel expecting to find instant gratification are going to be

Oddly enough dommes with the same expectations may also be disappointed,
although not always. Most subs are not interested in being dommed by just
anyone, same as most dommes are not interested in domming just anyone.
People in search of casual encounters do exist, and casual encounters have
led to more serious relationships. But don't count on finding either.

It isn't all doom and gloom though, people have found information, friends,
partners and even on #femdom :) By following these simple
guidelines, you may find what you want also.


1) Treat people with respect, including yourself.

Remember that every nick on IRC has a real live human being behind it. IRC
fosters a casual disregard of normal social manners - not seeing real faces
but just words on a screen tends to lead to people doing and saying things
they never would face-to-face. This can be good, it allows us to explore
things we might be afraid to otherwise. It can be bad, leading us to be
rude and insulting.

Respect means being polite. It means not assuming others are there for your
benefit. It means not forcing yourself on people. It means not trying to
manipulate people into playing with you or paying attention to you. It
means taking the time to distinguish between genuine rudeness and ignorance
or an honest mistake. It means not being offensive and not being too easily

By all means be openly respectful to people on channel as a way of
indicating your submissiveness. Just don't go overboard and don't assume
the attitude is either mandatory or welcomed by all. The same goes for
dommes - don;t expect people to give you a respectful title, and don;t be
nasty to those who do.

IRC tends to be a great environment for fantasy, and many subs like to play
at "I'm a worthless piece of meat Mistress", perhaps as a gambit to get
someone to play with them. Personally I think it's a bad move. It turns off
99% of the dommes I know, most of whom believe that there is nothing to be
gained from interacting with someone who does not respect themselves.
Self-respect is not only attractive, it means you are less likely to be
thought of as a Horny Net Geek and ignored or made fun of.

On the other hand there are Mistresses who treat subs as less than human.
Sometimes that is *their* fantasy, sometimes it is a defense mechanism
after being harassed by too many clueless hopefuls. Either way, the
concepts of courtesy and respect apply no matter which side of the whip you
are on.


2. Talk on channel and don't bombard strangers with msgs.

When you are trying something as complex and worrying as seeking a partner
to dominate you, it seems much safer to talk to them via the /msg command
than it does to try and attract their attention talking on open channel.
Not only will that person see you, no one else will laugh at you.

Hate to say it, but it doesn't work that way. If you think about it for a
minute the few dommes there are will encounter quite a few subs with the
same idea as you, and answering the same questions all the time gets very
old very quickly. Most dommes prefer to play with people they know and
like. The best way to become known and liked is to contribute publically to
the life of the channel.

Once you know someone then often conversations in /msg are welcome. But not
until then.

This is also good advice for people who are just exploring and want to chat
or ask questions. Try asking your questions out loud rather than in /msg.
Not only do you reach more people but you may spark a discussion which
could help you and others and open more avenues than you dreamed existed.


3. Give some thought to what you ask about.

Even total newbies are welcome on #femdom and should feel free to ask
questions. Best results come from applying your intelligence to the task
though, and asking questions that can be answered :)

Questions which don't work:
"Are there any dominant women here?"
"Are you male or female?"
"Tell me everything about this stuff"
"What turns you on most?"
"Who wants to spank me?"
"Are there any dominant women here from San Deigo?"

Questions like these mark you as either rude or someone who really hasn't
thought very much. While it may be of utmost importance to you if someone
is male or female, or over 30 or whatever, the person in question prefers
to be seen as a human being rather than as a collection of statistics or "a
life support system for a whip". As you get to know the person better, then
the answers to such questions will become known or become irrelevant.

Many people are very reluctant to answer personal questions, even something
so seemingly innocuous as "Where are you?" Starting a conversation can be
hard, but asking personal questions is not the way. It can be confusing at
first to talk to people and not know if they are male or female, old or
young, but you get used to it.

Coming on channel and expecting the dommes to serve you by gratifying your
desires is at best going to get you laughed at, and at worst going to get
you kicked and banned.

Trying to narrow your search area by only wanting to talk to dommes local
to you is also a bad idea. For one thing, with the small number of dominant
women on the net you can't really afford to and for another you can learn
from anyone anywhere, dom or sub, male or female. Don't throw away the
chance for personal growth.

Asking for "everything about female domination" or bondage or whatever is
the mark of someone who couldn't be bothered to think for themselves. You
may be totally new and really know nothing, but such general questions are
impossible to answer. It's like asking a musician "tell me everything about
music". Orchestral music? Rap? Instruments? Technique? Scales? Notation?
Madonna's private life?

Try asking about specifics, but not in a way that makes it look like you
want to jerk off to the answer. "I'm fascinated by male chastity devices,
is anyone else? Do they work? I can't see how you can wear one for long."
gives people a chance to contribute, to swap stories, to realise they
aren't the only one, and to talk about possible ways to build such things.
As a bonus it allows dommes to note whether you have a kink that matches
theirs... You can keep the discussion going by talking about forced
abstinence, orgasm control and all that fun stuff.

Try talking about feelings and motivations, not just mechanics. Why does
the concept of forced abstinence interest you? What do *you* think a domme
would get out of it? What circumstances would it be right? Wrong?


3. Be prepared to discuss, not just question

I believe that people who talk about themselves and how they feel are more
likely to become known and liked than people who just ask lots of questions
without ever revealing their own feelings and reactions. Such "leeches" get
very annoying. I like to impart information and help people but I don't
like being cross-examined - I prefer dialogue.

Starting and keeping discussion going on IRC is not easy. A lot of people
want to sit back and be entertained, not do the work themselves. Others
don't think they have anything to say, or are feeling a bit overwhelmed.
But the ones who do talk, who contribute, who show they've thought about it
are noted, believe me. I myself found a sub on the net who I did not
approach (or heed his approaches) until after I felt he was matched
reasonably well to me. I interacted with him as an interesting human being
long before I saw him as a potential sub.

And everyone does have something to contribute - their own thoughts and

Try to avoid generalisations, especially thoughtless ones. Statements such
as "A sub should do anything for a Mistress" are usually met by "fine, hand
me that chain saw!" followed by you being ignored or laughed at. Statements
like "I would try and give my domme as much power over me as I could, as
much freedom to do what she wishes as possible." show that you have thought
about what you think is right, but are not insisting it is right for
everyone and that you realise there are limits to everything.


4. Take no for an answer.

One of the most disconcerting things I've come across is the person who
thinks that "No" doesn't mean "No", but is merely the first round of a
discussion or an excuse for rudeness.

Dom or sub, we all have the right to say "no" and not have to justify it.
To explain why is courteous, but not required.

If a domme doesn't want to dominate you or talk to you, don't harass her
demanding to know why not. A polite "thank you for letting me know, if you
care to may I know why?" will produce much better results. Whatever the
reply to that don't go on about it, say thank you and drop the subject.
"yes, but.." is a very annoying habit.

If a sub refuses to play with you, don't go ballistic about it - if sie is
playing uppity games, then saying "OK" and ignoring hir will soon reveal
that... and if sie is genuinely not interested then you save yourself the
embarrassment of being publically rebuked for harassment. It is always
better to ask first, perhaps in /msg, and be certain the person is
interested in you. Don't assume that just because they are sub they will be
your sub.


5. Learn to use your tools

IRC is a daunting place at first, it can be difficult to learn the commands
you need to know, to move around, to make sense of what you are seeing. But
if you are going to use it, you need to put some effort into learning how.

A set of 3 Frequently Asked Questions texts (FAQs) are posted to the
newsgroup alt.irc every week. Read those 3 documents and a lot of your
basic "what is going on" questions will be answered. It will make your life
a lot easier, believe me!


6. We get all types here.

There is a saying: "On the internet, nobody knows you are a dog." meaning
there is no way to really know who or what is on the other side of the

There are men who pretend to be women, women who pretend to be men,
homosexuals, bisexuals, heterosexuals, transsexuals and people who pretend
to be such.

Be aware of this. Realise that you can't know if you are talking to a man
or a woman. Nor know how old the person is, what they look like, how they
really feel.

There are all kinds and types of people, people who live in a Dom/sub
relationship full time, people who play occasionally, people who fantasise
about it, people who only play on the net, people who never play on the

There are people who are deadly serious and people who joke all the time,
people who will spin you a totally fanciful tale, people who will tell you
their life story. People who just want to annoy you.

Be very aware that to some people BDSM and femdom are serious, something
they do for real, something that is a huge part of their lives. They don't
play at this, and they don't indulge in wild flights of fancy, they talk
about what they really do.

Be very aware that to some people this is a game, spice, play. They may not
be as serious as you are, they may not consider the things they talk about
as something they'd ever really do, just hot things to talk about late at


7. Sometimes its just a bad day

Sometimes there is no one on channel. Sometimes there are a whole pile of
silent people. Sometimes no one wants to talk to you or be serious.
Sometimes people are wrapped in their own conversations and ignore you.
Sometimes there are losers who attack the channel and everyone is too busy
fighting them off. Sometimes they win, and the regulars all disappear until
the jerks go away. Sometimes you walk into someone else's emotional crisis.

Sometimes people will seem to attack you or be mean. Sometimes you will put
your foot in it comprehensively. We all have bad days, we all do stupid

If it isn't working for you, that's OK. Come back later, check other
channels (like #dominas #femsuprem #bdsm), try other avenues such as
support groups, newsgroups, MUDs, magazines. Grow, explore, learn. IRC is a
great place, but it isn't the whole world.